Memoirs of Flabbiness
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Mary's LiveJournal:
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| Wednesday, July 8th, 2009 | | 12:55 pm |
Yes Mistress, May I Have Another?
With Ms. Sable at the vet for two days for her heartworm treatment, Izzabella is living it up. She is persistantly kneading my hair, laying long across my belly or standing in front my of computer to show me her crotchular area. When not glued to me, she's running through the house in that peculiar rocking horse way that cats run, tearing ass from one expensive piece of furniture to the next with claws out the whole time. I guess even though she and the dog seem to be in love, she still can't run like that without whipping up Sable's chase instinct. Overnight she used me up like a giant exploding catnip toy, attacking any part of my body that dared to move. I had to tuck myself securely under the layers of bedding to avoid injury. I have to admit, I couldn't help but entice her a little as morning drew near knowing that it pleased her so. She will get one more night of me being her bitch before Ms. S comes back. The good folks at Village Vets tell me Sable is doing well with her treatment, eating well, but a little overly excited. They've had to knock her out with some tranquilizers which they tell me she will have to stay on for the next month during recovery since she's powerfully energetic. I guess that means Izzabella will have her way with Sable all the more which should make for an interesting few weeks. And just a plug for Village Vets - They may be ass expensive, but they have been incredibly patient and caring regarding this situation. One of the vets spent 15 minutes on the phone with me as I asked a million frantic questions about how a dog could get heartworms while being medicated and if it was possibly my fault. She provided an explanation that seems plausible enough that I can let go of some guilt. That and they made Sable an awesome doggy driver's license showing when her vaccinations are due again although it took them awhile to get a photo of her where she doesn't look rabid or bug eyed from being around all those women. She's such a whoring lesbo and I do love her so! Current Mood: missing my Sable | | Tuesday, July 7th, 2009 | | 1:55 pm |
North Korea
So whatever happened with that North Korean missile test that was supposed to be aimed toward Hawaii? Wasn't that supposed to be this past weekend or something? I was sort of amazed at how little press there was on it. | | Monday, July 6th, 2009 | | 12:21 pm |
Fighting Over L'il Ole Me?
I'm so flattered. I have two girls fighting over me right now! Ok so one is my dog and one is my cat, but still! I've never had two beings fight over me before. The problem is that they are literally fighting OVER me. I've been waking up in the middle of the night lately to all this meowing and whining, finding the cat on my right shoulder and the dog on my left. If I look up, I see their furry silhouettes and glowing eyes staring each other down to claim their property, ie me. Eventually one of them gets the boot and the other is left to pace the hallway, paw at the door and make pathetic little sounds. I try to be fair thus I've become familiar with their ploys to get back inside my room. If its the dog then its the tappity tappity of toe nails on hardwoods along with the frustrated sighs and whines of a poor loser. If it's the cat, it's the claws plucking away at the bottom of the door with a queenly meeee-rooaaar emphasizing her obvious displeasure. I'm hoping that this is just a stage. They settle down well enough when I'm on the sofa, but just can't seem to share when its the bed. Any tips on hurrying them through this phase? | | Thursday, July 2nd, 2009 | | 1:09 pm |
Are there going to be fireworks in Decatur on Saturday or was that cut from the budget? | | Tuesday, June 30th, 2009 | | 12:58 pm |
Today is better than yesterday, but I'm still tired. I guess I need to get that physical I've been putting off for awhile. I'm such a kid about needles. That's the reason I find better things to do on my lunch break than call my GP. I think I'd rather go to the kaslopis doctor than have my blood drawn! Anyway, the last time I went to my GP for a physical and complained of tiredness they found nothing wrong and he told me I needed to take yoga and relax. Yeah, um...... I've been making some decent progress at the gym lately although I can't see it. I'm finally leaving the weight machines without feeling embarrassed of the position of the pin and I've sped up my spinning to 14 mph without throwing up or spiking my heartrate over 160. I've been a member of that gym for a year now so I thought by now I'd notice a change in my energy level and ability to endure stress. The only thing that seems easier is carrying groceries in. Walking up steps still makes me wanna puke. What a buzz kill. I'm working on a new way to reward myself and get crap done. I've made a list called "accomplishment zings." The thought of cleaning the entire house is overwhelming, but I know I can get a very slight sense of pleasure from completing an easy task like paying the bills or watering the plants. I made a list of these less than 15 minute tasks so that when I want to feel good I do something off that list instead of snacking. Let's hope my brain accepts this. | | Monday, June 29th, 2009 | | 12:05 pm |
Worn Out
After a dreadful work week my weekend did not go as planned and I'm sad about how much the grind wears me out. Friday I met up with a bunch of people to hear my roommate's band premier in a battle of the bands. They did really well and it was great to see him lively again. It's been a couple of years since I've seen him like that. I hope its a sign that things are looking up for him. The rest of the weekend was spent in bed sleeping. I probably spent 16 hours each day knocked out therefore missing all the other things I had hoped to do. I suppose it's important to rest when your body tells you to, but it doesn't me feel any less bad about missing out on life because I'm just too worn out to enjoy anything. It always seems like I'm just trying to survive giving up on trying to do anything that's the least bit tiring (including the fun stuff). I really don't know what to do to be more fulfilled. If it seems like it takes effort, I'm automatically exhausted. It takes all I've got just to get into the gym a few times a week. I try to think positively and keep moving forward, but it seems to get harder with each year. I can even change my outlook for a short time, but invariably life comes roaring back in, knocking me back into "my place." I'm not one to accept being kicked around too much, but when it comes to work and paying the bills, I have to submit it seems. God, I'm so freaking tired that I want to cry. | | Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 | | 12:18 pm |
Motivation II
Having brain dumped in "Motivation" I was able to analyze me feelings a bit more on what my f'ing problem is. Since I'm not 100% sold on the idea that being thinner will make me at least somewhat happier, it's been easy to fall back into the same old comfortable eating habits (ie. munching on cheese danish and ice cream with the curtains tightly drawn). What I must do is continually remind and convince myself that I will indeed be happier! If it turns out I'm not, it will at least be fun getting fat again. So as for this reinforcement, I have a plan. I want each of you to call me on a daily basis and say something to the effect of, "Hey, fat cow! It feels pretty rotten not to even turn a few heads anymore, doesn't it!? Maybe you'd feel like dating and being social if you weren't totally fixated on how fat you are! You want to feel pretty when you go out, right? You don't want to compare yourself to your friends and be the fat girl, right? So get off your lazy ass, put down the doughnuts and find better ways to destress!" I figure that continually preying upon my poor body image will really excite the competition and ambition part of my brain. Hell, that's what worked before. Who cares that I became so neurotic about food that it consumed 80% of my thoughts! So pick up the phone and call today! I look forward to hearing from you! | | Monday, June 22nd, 2009 | | 12:22 pm |
Motivation
I've probably blogged on this before and I'm sure I will again, but I really need some feedback. Although I know that being thin and in shape will not solve all my problems, but I can't help but think that overall I would be happier if I could lose a few pounds and shape up. I know it's not reasonable nor healthy to become a size 0/2 again. I'd be happy with an in shape 4/6. That's probably about 15 pounds away. My problem is that I just cannot get nor stay motivated. Knowing I'll feel better about myself and thus happier just isn't enough. Also the social pressures I used to put on myself have diminished. I've become accepting of living a life perpetually single. I'm not unhappy sitting around alone at home entertaining myself. In fact, it's absolutely necessary for me to have a good bit of alone time to face the challenges of my work week. I get a lot of short term pleasure in sitting in front of the TV and snacking on something fattening, taking naps throughout the weekend. With the way things are, its those little pleasures that get me through. The thought of taking that away is not pleasant. Conversely, if I felt a bit more attractive, perhaps I would enjoy going out more. I'm not impervious to feelings of inadequacy when it comes to my looks. I'm sure that does influence me to a greater degree than I would like to admit. So how can I motivate myself? I'm not patient so focusing on a long term goal just does not work. It's way to easy to procrastinate. Also, since I have accepted that being single is actually rather nice, I somehow don't see the point in taking away my pleasures for something that at my age is less and less of an option. But will those things make me happy in the long run? Maybe I'm just fooling myself into thinking I'm ok becoming a spinster. What do you think? | | Thursday, June 18th, 2009 | | 12:23 pm |
I'm a Big Ole Whiner
Once again it's another devilishly hot summer in the ATL and I am for the 3rd year running without air conditioning in my car. I'm spending upwards of 2.5 hours in that furnace every day and I feel like it's killing me. Add to that the fact that the radio no longer works and we are talking total misery. I've noticed lately that the hotter it gets, the angrier I feel, thus the less I want to be around anyone or do anything. I often wonder if I had a car with air and a radio, would I become social again? In any event, I've become such a whiner about this. I want everyone to know just how f*cking miserable I am, especially people I work with. So why do I do this? I think somewhere in my head I really believe that someone will think "hmm, she's at _that_ level and can't afford a car with air conditioning?" That will then prompt them to go straight to my bosses bosses boss and demand that I get a phenomenal pay raise so I can afford a car payment! In some strange way, this convoluted thought makes me work harder, thinking that if I revolutionize the way we do business, I can finally stop being miserable in my car thus I will become nicer, more social and somehow beautiful! Anyway, I'm going to try not to whine about it so much anymore. I'll need to find some new irrational thoughts to fill up that space in my messed up brain. I really am a nutter. Current Mood:  hot | | Monday, June 15th, 2009 | | 10:07 pm |
Men...you may want to look away
It's insomnia time. And it's probably because of female hormones! I wonder if I've scared off the men yet. Anyway, since I hit my mid 30s, I've noticed a definite change in my ability to sleep. I've been tracking it for awhile now and have noticed that it's always RIGHT after I ovulate. It feels like my body is vibrating and my heart races. It's really fucking annoying. Last month 3 days went by like this. There is no denying that I was an absolute cunt by that 3rd day. I read that this is due to a loss of estrogen as my body prepares for menopause. MENOPAUSE?! I still like to get woo hoo drunk, watch anime and make fart noises with my Flarp. How can I possibly be on the road to something I associate with turning 50? Apparently this peri menopausal shit can last for years until finally a woman just dries up, starts growing hair on her chin and shops the Alfred Dunner section of Macy's. So since this is likely to plague me for awhile, I need sleeping tips. Got any? | | 12:16 pm |
Poor Miss Sable
I took my dog to the vet on Friday for her yearly shots and stuff and to ask about her GI problems. I was quite shocked to learn that she has heartworms! It's very odd though. She was taken to that same vet when she was found as a stray back in May 2008 and she tested negative. After that she was taken in a at Lifeline Atlanta shelter where I would think they would keep her up on her heartworm prevention. I got her in November and have given her the medication every month. So how could this happen? I keep wondering if this is somehow my fault? I've never skipped a month of medication, but I know I was late by a week once. I asked the vet about this and she said that it would take 2-3 months of missing medication to make a dog vulnerable. Is it possible to have the larvae, but not the worms and test negative? Maybe she came into contact with this while she was a stray, but it was too early on to detect? It would've been spring so the likelihood of mosquitoes being around would be pretty high. Whatever the case may be, my poor girl has to undergo treatment which sounds pretty nasty. It will certainly cost a lot so it better work! The really sad part is that she will not be allowed to run, go to the dogpark or play for a month after the treatment. She LOVES to run. I wonder what I can do to make her recovery time less depressing? She also has to go on a special diet for her GI problems so that means no more treats until I can get her stabilized on a new food. They said I would need to wait 6 months before introducing treats again. I feel so bad for her....so much so that it's depressing me and I don't like to be away from her for long. Think anyone at work would notice a 55 pound dog under my desk for the next few months? Current Mood: worried | | Wednesday, June 10th, 2009 | | 10:45 pm |
Ordinary
When you are just an ordinary person, life really is just work, sleep, eat, work, sleep, eat and then recover on the weekends...right? I wish I had a talent cause this just sucks. How many more years of this? Current Mood: bored | | Monday, June 8th, 2009 | | 12:06 pm |
Daily Various Life Stuff
I had another High School gym flashback the other day. A trainer was making a couple of guys do squat thrusts. He caught me staring with my mouth open and told me I should get up and join them. I ran. Hey at leat it got my heart rate up! Speaking of the gym, I spotted the most awe inspiring camel toe the other day. A heavier woman was wearing teal spandex knickers that were shoved so far up into her business that I thought she probably uses a special tool to get those suckers off. It made me think of a product I saw featured on Chelsea Lately that basically acts like a female cod piece. If I wasn't at work, I would totally be trying to find the link for that. This weekend I did basically nothing except for happy hour(s) with some current and past co-workers. I can't help feeling like those happy hours are going to be comprised of more past co-workers than current ones pretty soon. We got the big "poor perceptions of our team" talk on Friday so everyone is very nervous and pretty mad considering where we think the perceptions originated. Hey, ya know, if you put your Crackberry down and left your freakin' office once in awhile, you might actually see all the stuff we are doing! So after sobering up and driving home, I stayed in the rest of the weekend sleeping outrageous amounts even for me, flaking out on at least two functions. Goes to show that stress still is the number one reason I don't get out much anymore. My dog has had an upset tummy. She's always been pretty girly that way even before the $1600 episode of New Years Day. When I got home after happy hour she threw up all over my purse and laptop bag. I guess she missed me? The previous night she had thrown up what looked to be about 2 days worth of food all over the red shag floor runner my roommate put in the kitchen(?!) At least once a week, her stomach starts making all these crazy noises so loud that they wake me up. So we have a vet appointment Friday to get that checked out along with her strange ear growth and her yearly shots. Maybe it's her food? Have you ever noticed that fresh paint smells a little like rotten a$$? | | Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009 | | 12:35 pm |
PDAs
Usually I am not the least bit bothered by public displays of affection. I think "aww, that's sweet" or "I'm so freakin' jealous of that happy looking couple (but in a good way)" or even "that's impressive!" But there is one type of PDA that gets to me and I'm not 100% sure why. When I see couples holding hands at the gym I really want to vomit. When it's that teen aged all-fingers-entwined-into-a-fist-sandwic h I'm particularly disgusted. Maybe it's thinking about all that sweat, the smell of dirty socks, jock straps, scarring memories of my zip up onesie maroon high school gym uniform, or just projecting the idea that most people would like to be as invisible as I want to be at the gym. Whatever the case is, I just can't seem to get over it. I even force myself to look at those clasped hands or sweaty hugs in an effort to desensitize myself to the sight. It's not working. Ok, I'm gonna go throw up now. Current Mood:  nauseated | | Monday, June 1st, 2009 | | 10:38 am |
Weekend
Weekend was ok. On Saturday cooked some dinner with my buddy and then we went to see Star Trek (2nd time for me). The rest of the time I just did my typical boring stuff like laundry, playing video games, f*cking with my dog, and watching jdrama. I played in my sandbox a little bit arranging my St. George Island shells in the sand. Overall pretty middle aged boring stuff, but relaxing enough. Disclaimer: This is the section where I try to reaffirm my self worth. This week we are publishing our first departmental newsletter. I am pretty excited about this since it was my idea to do something portraying a good life/work balance and can't wait to hear the feedback, be it bad or good. I'll also be working on a build automation tracking database and reporting portal, but I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew since it's being run on the customer's servers and not ours. To make it most effective, an entire environment needs to be set up on their equipment, but making that happen would be overwhelming for them right now so I'm having to do everything I can to keep it simple for them and cost them nothing as well as costing us very little. So I'll be learning some asp and extracting some old html out of my brain while trying not to bother anyone else and have it all ready to go in a month. This isn't supposed to be part of my job, but I'm doing everything in my power to be as valuable as possible right now. I gotta hit the gym pretty hard this week and moderate my eating habits. Part of me has somehow accepted that I'm getting older and living the single life which requires constantly worrying about my appeal is wasted effort so I've been making no effort at all thus I'm rather disgusted with my bulging belly and lack of restraint. I think I'm just not meant to be in a relationship so why bother comparing myself to the size 2 me of a few years ago. But goodness, I should at least try to have a bit of discipline. Hell, I dunno. I'm just conflicted. Fat, satisfied and alone or skinny, excited about life and and open to dating with it's drama? The way I am now, I'll be alone forever, but then again, is that so bad? Maybe I'm just making myself think I'm happy sitting on my sofa not worrying about exposing myself to the cruel judgement of the world. Yeah, conflicted. | | Thursday, May 28th, 2009 | | 1:25 pm |
My Kroger now sells Pocky. Finally, a reason to feel like going to that awful impossible-to-find-a-parking-space store. I just dozed off while peeing in the toilet in the women's restroom. Why can't I be this sleepy at 2 am!? Will you tell me a story and rock me to sleep? F*ck it. I'm going to drink a Kiet Doke now. Gimme an hour and I'll show you all what people mean when they describe someone as being a c*nt. But I'll whip through these RFP questions damnitall! Achooooo! Current Mood:  sleepy | | 10:09 am |
Insomnia and Mustard
This week I've had the hardest time with sleep! I'll fall asleep for a few minutes and then wake up a bit later all wired feeling. Sometimes eating a snack helps but this has not been good for my waistline. Last night it got so bad that even two Xannies, a Benedryl, a bowl of cereal and 2 orgasms wouldn't take me off to dreamland. As a result, I'm on day 3 here at work of feeling like a zombie. I could easily pass out right now and I've had green tea and Ritalin. WTH? I wonder if this is hormonal, mental or medical? I'm almost to the point of making an appointment to get a physical to make sure there isn't something going on. Ugh...vials and vials of blood. I HATE that. Today I am wearing a white shirt that has a mustard stain. I've tried bleaching it, but it's still showing. Any tips on banishing this stain forever? I can't believe I thought I could seriously eat that veggie burger without spilling some part of it on my white shirt! That was asking for trouble. Anyway, if anyone says anything at work, I'll just shoot back my typical reply. "If you don't approve of my wardrobe then pay me more money! Otherwise accept that you will be subjected to the same 5 boring work outfits week after week." | | 9:38 am |
Writer's Block: Significant Change
In recent years, I've tried to change my reactions to suit the situation, but not really my personality. For instance, one guy I dated really liked to be told that I appreciated his help so I tried to be more mindful of letting him know when I did. In the end this was a good lesson for me and I've become more vocal to everyone when I appreciate them. This is more of a change that I wanted for myself, but it always felt awkward since I know I can have a cold side. For me, change can only happen if I want it for myself. As I've gotten older, I have more of the "this is who I am so decide for yourself if you can accept me this way" attitude. This is probably why I am still single at the age of 38! However, this does not mean I am unhappy or lonely. The loneliest feelings I can remember are when I did try to change myself to suit someone's desires. The real me would stay locked inside, building up pressure like a ticking time bomb. Eventually, the real me would assert herself by becoming rebellious and getting back at my mate by doing things I'm not really proud of. In the end, it's just better to be yourself and not degrade yourself for not being "perfect" for that other person. If they can't handle that, then maybe they aren't the right person for you. And get a dog. They love you no matter who you are! | | Tuesday, May 26th, 2009 | | 12:02 pm |
Consolidation
This week's theme is consolidate services week. I've officially cancelled my MetroPCS phone so now I've only got my work cell to use for short calls and emergencies and my home like which is cheaper than the cell service and required for my alarm system. If you thought it was hard to get in touch with me before, now you are really in for a treat! Next I'll be slimming down NetFlix to one DVD at a time if not completely cancelling it and I'll be getting rid of one of my cable TV services. I've had Dish network forever and really don't want to get rid of it, but it doesn't work with my roommate's Tivos (yes, that guy has 2!) So back when he was working full time he got cable TV added to the pre-existing broadband. When he lost my job, we worked out that rent/utilities break in exchange for house chores even though I should've cancelled one of them. I let it slide for awhile because we watch so much Tivo together and I never imagined he'd be working part time for so long. It doesn't seem to be temporary though so I have to cut something out. I really hope it doesn't have to be my Dish since I'm not all really fond of having Comcrap to begin with. Anyway, which is cheaper/better? Getting an evil Comcast cable box added so I can continue to enjoy HBO (mmm...True Blood) or get the Dish Network DVR? And which is truly faster these days? DSL or broadband? | | Tuesday, May 19th, 2009 | | 12:48 pm |
Oopsie
So that big girly self esteem book I am reading fell out of my computer bad when I was going through security last night. Now yet another one of my co-workers knows I've lost it. Great. In other news, I updated my userpic. The back of my head has aged pretty well in 10 years, eh? The previous pic was about that old. Those gulls really liked the honey wheat bread. I hope it helped them stay regular and they shat on all the obnoxious spring breakers who were drawing pictures of dicks in the sand on Myrtle Beach. Although I buried my travel buddy and gave him seaweed pubes and seashell nipples so I have no room to complain. Except I'm old so I can be crotchety about spring breakers, damnit! Last week, I went to St. George Island in Florida for vacation. What a great place! It's so remote that I didn't have cell phone service much to the disappointment of my roommate here in GA whose car got broken into while I was away. Internet service was sketchy as well. One of my priorities this year is to go to the beach a lot. I look like a$$ in a bathing suit and burn like a soul sucking ginger, but baiting myself with these little trips is keeping me alive. Seriously. Ok, back to work. Billing is due today. |
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